Break the Glass: Chapter 1

I stare at the girl on the other side of the glass and copy what she was doing. The girl, Michelle, has a dreadfully boring bathroom routine. It is the same every day. In the morning, she would brush her teeth, use the toilet, put in her contacts and pretty herself up. At night, she would brush her teeth, use the toilet, take out her contacts, and wash off the makeup.

Sometimes, she would sing. She thinks that she’s a great singer, but I won't know better. The glass in soundproof. Michelle always seems to enjoy herself though. Occasionally, there would be a spider hiding in a corner, and I would go through the moves of freaking out. I don’t know why she’s so scared of them. Then, Michelle would finally finish everything and I would leave the glass, ready to jump in whenever.

It’s a tricky job, having to copy everything Michelle does, but I have to. I live in the Reflection World.

Long ago, the Bodies and Reflections lived side by side without the need of a barrier, friendly and cooperative. Both needed each other to live, but at one point in time, the Reflections felt the unjust. We looked the same, but had no free will of our own and were so commonly taken for granted. So there was the Revolt. The Bodies seemed to have forgotten, but we don’t have the chance. The story of humiliating defeat and becoming locked up behind the glass is the story passed down the generations.

Even though we were locked up and the Bodies forgot we’re alive, we still have a connection with each other.

I think about saying goodbye to my parents, but Michelle runs out of the house. We reach the bus just in time. I get on and settle in. It'll be a while before Darren's stop. One good thing about being a Reflection is that I don't have to do anything to make friends. Or boyfriends. The Reflection of my Body's boyfriend is automatically mine. I look outside the window and make up stories about the people we pass. That girl screaming at her phone is arguing with her boyfriend. They're going to break up tonight. That kitten over there is actually the leader of a cat gang and is plotting how to overthrow humans.

Finally Darren comes in. Like usual, we don't talk. Neither of us are morning people. I can feel that Michelle is happier and much more awake now. Darren takes out his iPod and we let the music take over. Darren's iPod is filled with music from every genre. Classical, rock, pop, Cpop, Jpop, jazz. Everything. Darren's Body stares at the window and Michelle stares at the chemistry textbook in her lap. I'm not sure what they are listening to, but Darren decides that we should listen to a Jpop song. It is a song I recommended to him, called “Only Human”. I don't exactly understand the words, seeing as I'm not Japanese, but the first time I heard the song, I looked up English translations.

Even if it cuts through the rain and clouds

The wet roads shine.

Only the dark will teach

A stronger and stronger light.

Be strong, go forward, move ahead.

The words are encouraging, but it's also a depressing song. I look at Darren, even though Michelle didn't move. What's with this sudden sad music? His Body seems fine. Maybe a little tired, but fine. I ask him what's wrong, and he tells me he's ok. Being the nosy person I am, I keep asking. “Darren, are you seriously ok?”

He doesn't look at me. “Yeah, seriously.”

I wonder if that is supposed to sound believable. “Really.”

He sighs. “Just some family problems. And my mom decided I have to go back to therapy.”

And I do know, I guess. His family is messed up. There is always a person hating someone else, or going in and out of jail, or something similar. “What? Why?” I ask.

He makes a face. “I don't know. I'm not even that depressed.”

I laugh at that. “Well, that's good.”

“Yeah, but that's not what pisses me off. It's just that my therapist sucks. All he does is tell me to stop cutting and shit. That's not how things work.”

“You can ditch therapy.”

“I'm not that much of a rebel.”

I decide to hug him, but he just sits there, so I take his hand. To make me feel better. “Things will work out. I'll be with you.” I don't know if I comforted Darren at all, but that is all I can do. Words don't come out of my mouth the way I want them to.

I didn't realize until afterwards that our Bodies didn't move and didn't hug. I just hope that they didn't look to see their Reflections moving by themselves. That would be more trouble and probably traumatic for them.

School is optional for Reflections. I don't know why so many still bother to go. I usually attend classes. Today I decide I need some alone time. “Only Human” kept playing in my mind as I wandered from one side of the school to the other.

“Only Human” is one of the theme songs of a Japanese drama I watched a while ago. The drama, One Liter of Tears, was based off of the diary a real girl wrote. She had a rare and horrible brain disease and kept a record of everything until the end. I remember crying for that girl, but knowing that other people have bigger problems doesn't help me. I still feel that my life sucks.

I wonder what will happen if I wrote a diary too. I can imagine someone from the future finding it and reading about a depressed Reflection girl. If I write an entry for today, it will be filled with whining. I find a corner and start writing.

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend needs to go to therapy. Again. Because of his depression. I always felt that maybe I can make him happy. But I guess not. I wish I can be a therapist to help him, instead of just listening to him hate on his.

Then I'll comment on the weather. Maybe mention the funeral yesterday. That might make my diary lesson-to-be-learned drama material.

There was a funeral yesterday. A Reflection dying is always more emotional and sudden in my opinion. You could be hanging out with your friends or talking with your family. Then, your Body would die somewhere without mirrors, and you would drop dead. In the middle of everything. Once a Body dies, there isn't a use of a Reflection anymore. So selfish of the Bodies, but what can we do?

I just hope that I get some warning before I die. That will be nice.

If someone ever reads my diary, they will probably think I'm really negative. I swear I'm usually not like this!

It is nice writing and has the same effects as writing poetry. I kind of want to actually kept a diary now. There is a problem though. Time isn't as clear in the Reflection World. I know that sometimes it gets dark and then the sun rises, but it's not like in the other world. Maybe I should put my entire life into one long never ending entry. Maybe.

I waste my time in similar manners until I find myself back at home. Then I waste more time, waiting for when Michelle is asleep and has no use for a mirror. Unless she has to go pee in the middle of the night, I get at least six hours of freedom. I get to go back into the Reflection World where there is sound and life. Usually I would go find Ashley and Kathy. Or Darren.

Everything about Darren is perfect. I was there when Michelle first saw him, and fell for him at the same time. I feel that even without the connection between me and Michelle, I would still love him. Of course, then I have to wonder if he loves me only because I am Michelle’s reflection. I don’t really care, as long as I could be with him.

After microwaving dinner, Michelle finally decided to go through her nighttime routine. I let out a sigh of relief. And somehow I find myself walking towards Darren. He is sitting on a bench, staring blankly at the lake, the trees, and the sky. I sit down next to him, silently, and for the next hour, we contemplated the mysteries of the world together. Usually I hate silence, because it reminds me of being at the mirror and the edge of the Reflection World, but with Darren, I was at the center of the worlds.

After a while, he breaks the silence. “Michelle?”

I was fantasizing about being a warrior and having romantic adventures with Darren, and it took me a moment to register what was happening. “Hmm?”

“I don’t know.” He moves to look at me better, and I do the same. “I just wanted to say your name because you were clearly daydreaming.”

I blush, slightly embarrassed for no reason. “You’re so weird.” That is usually my reply to anything when I don't know what to say.

“Were you thinking of me?”

“No, of course not. Why would anyone think of you?” And, of course, that isn't true.

He smiles. I smile. And he leans towards me.

We never get to kiss as much as our Bodies. It’s really not fair. I don’t understand why they can’t kiss in front of a mirror more often.

I think we fell asleep there, because before he had to leave for the mirror, we witnessed the sunrise together. It was as romantic as people say it is. I stay at the bench, staring at the lake, like he had been doing. The water is so clean and clear. But even standing at the bank, I can't see my reflection. I am the reflection. I throw a stone at where the face of my reflection would be and it creates ripples, but the water is still clear. The whole scene at the moment is so poetic and I feet so bi-polar that I almost start crying. I think to myself that Michelle is probably going through some problem right now.

And I was right. I find myself pulled to the mirror, with Michelle staring at me. In her mind, she is probably searching in her own eyes for an answer. I just want an answer as to why we were, and are, feeling so depressed. I also noticed with annoyance that she is awake way too early and that my freedom has been cut short. Her eyes were telling nothing. Usually when something like this happens, I could infer what happened, or someone would tell me, but this time, I have no clue.

Suddenly, there is this sharp yet dull pain deep in my chest. Then tears spill out of Michelle’s eyes. A part of me cry with her without hesitation. The other half stands back, removed from everything, as if watching an interesting show. What is going on? I shouldn't have to sob without knowing why. It bothers me. I really want to break the glass and shake Michelle until she told me.

Now Michelle is collapsed, leaning and crying into the sink. Everything is so dramatic I want to laugh, but I am too deep in sorrow. Someday, this will drive me crazy.

And then she stands up and leaves. Probably to cry herself to sleep. I, on the other hand, was facing an empty room with no clue of what just happened to me. Did anyone know? Kathy? Ashley? Darren? And what time is it? Don't we have to go to school?

I hate how Michelle always has these total PMS moments. She acts as if she's on her period, is pregnant, and going through menopause at the same time. I don't even know who is actually pissed and who is just feeling the connection. Sometimes, I forget who I am. But, really, who am I? I don't deal with sudden emotion changes too nicely. I tend to freak and obsess over it. Like now.

I remember that it's a parent-teacher conference day, and walk over to Ashley's house, where I think she would be. She is my best friend and the only person who understands my mood swings. Her Body has issues too, which means our times together are always crazy. Talking and ranting to her makes me feel better.

While going to her house, I walk past all these people. I wonder if they have any clue about their lives. Maybe they're just going through the motions, and maybe others are actually living it. I was doing both, and neither.

When I finally get to her house, she led me to her room, and privacy. Her family is always home, unlike mine, where we wander around whenever we're not needed. We don't like being near each other.

“Ashley,” I stretch out her name as I fall apart, not literally, onto her bed, ready to whine for an hour. “My life sucks.”

Sitting down next to me on the bed, she asks, “What's wrong this time?”

“I don't know. That's the problem,” I flip over, onto my stomach, and talk to the bed. “She just lost it and started sobbing. I thought you would know why.”

Ashley starts laughing. Of course she would. “Oh, poor baby. You're life really does suck.”

“This isn't funny, Ashley! I randomly just start hating the world. This can lead to me committing suicide or something!” Except, I guess it was kind of funny. Not really. It's funny when Ashley is going through mood swings, but not when it happens to myself. I told her that. She didn't agree.

I'm not sure what we did afterward. Probably a bunch of stupid, boring stuff. Like talking to her family. Or discussing our boyfriends. Her boyfriend, Tommy, is a Chinese ginger. An Asian with natural orange hair. I didn't know that was possible until I met him. He's friends with Darren too.

Anyways, we talked about everything except why Michelle was so depressed. Now I really want to know. It's the only thing I want to know. She's never been this messed up and for this long. In fact, I still feel slightly sad. And that's all I can think about. Maybe a visit to my computer would take my mind off of all this.

I have a lot of favorite pastimes. The internet is just a gateway to them. A couple include being lazy, doing nothing, and forgetting things for a while. Watching movies and listening to music online are my drugs. Writing poetry too. It helps me vent, but I'm not as good at that than laughing at a funny scene.

So I settle with a nice TV drama. It's a romantic comedy called Prince Turns to Frog. And with my luck, the episode I land on is depressing as hell. It's probably near the climax where the guy's parents tell the girl that she needs to leave the guy. Forever. Of course they get back together in the end, but watching that didn't help with my mood at all. I seriously need something before I blow up.

But now I want to sleep. Not that I need it, but my bed is awfully comfy.

I dream up a land of colorful things and marshmallows. There were triple rainbows, tame unicorns, and fairies everywhere. Everything was sparkly and happy. And weird. After I decided that being this happy was abnormal, the world turned ugly. Rainbows broke apart and fell onto the earth, crushing the marshmallows. The unicorns were violent beasts again. Nice little fairies turned into evil manipulative faeries. In the back of my mind, I thought to myself that I've read too many fantasy books.

Then, while running from a unicorn with foam coming out of his mouth, I reached a cliff. At the edge was a mysterious girl with her back to me. She was wearing a billowing black cape. Somehow I knew that she was a sorceress and controlled this world. She raised her arm and an ard of dragons appeared out of nowhere. I could tell they were preparing to breathe fire.

Just as I was getting bombarded by fireballs, the girl turned around and smiled. It was Michelle.

Then I wake up, because it's not possible to die in dreams. Michelle is staring at me, not fully awake as she brushes her teeth. The foamy toothpaste reminds me of the unicorns in my dream and seeing Michelle scared me. I mean, she was a crazy and creepy witch and almost killed me!

At least Michelle doesn't seem depressed anymore. Glad that's over.

She starts talking to herself and I move my lips too. “Wow, talking to myself is so much fun. How are you Michelle? Not sad anymore?” She doesn't respond. Obviously.

Later, she gets to school and I see Kathy and Ashley. Sometimes they like to hang out in the bathroom before class starts. As soon as I get there, Kathy runs over to give me a big hug. “Michelle!!”

I try to say something, but my face was squished around. It kind of sounded like “Oh, Kathmmurm....” When she finally let go of me, I say, “Hi Kathy. Nice to see you. And hi Ashley.

She smiles at me and we busy ourselves by fixing our hair and makeup. Michelle starts talking, so I take the chance. “Kathy, do you have any clue what's going on with Michelle? And Darren?” Both of them have a panicked expression. I'm pretty sure they are hiding stuff from me. “Why are they both depressed and why am I the only person who doesn't know what's going on?” Our Bodies leave, so we're free to say whatever we want now.

Ashley and Kathy look at each other. For a long time. It was pissing me off. “Come on guys. Did Michelle and Darren break up or something?”

“Michelle...Well, I'm not really sure,” Kathy says to the floor.

“Are you going to tell me or not?”

“I didn't know I have options. I choose to not tell you.” She tries to lighten up the mood and laughs awkwardly. I must have looked more than pissed because then she says, “Ok Fine. I'll tell you.” She takes a deep breath. “So you know how your mom doesn't approve of Darren's family and his dad thinks you're rich and-”

“I am not a snobby rich girl! I'm not even rich!”

Kathy keeps going as if I never said anything. “Snobby. Well now there are those problems and some rumors, I think, around the school.”

“So we broke up?”

Once, Darren and I were looking at a piece of music and reading the tempo markings. He decided to be clever and said, “I'm poco agitato.” That's how I feel right now. A little agitated.

“Michelle, your Body is different from you. She keeps everything to herself and doesn't tell us.

It should be molto, not poco. Very agitated. “So you're saying that I complain too much?”

Ashley has been hanging out in the back this whole time. Whenever there is an argument, it's always me versus Kathy, with Ashley in the middle. Now she decides to join in. “No! You confiding into us shows that you trust us! That's a good thing.”

But I wasn't listening. I need Darren.” Where's Darren? I'm going to find him. Now.”

Darren lives in this other neighborhood. I hate myself for it, but the people there scare me. Everything about them seems to tell me, “Go home. You're in the wrong place.”

I knock on the door, and his sister opens it. She doesn't like me.

“Hi. Is Darren here?”

“What the hell do you want? You already broke up with him.”

So we did break up. This is a nice way to confirm it. “My Body did, but I didn't! I still love him.”

Her face twists up like she ate something gross. “Yeah right. You're only going out with Darren to be a rebel and piss of your daddy.”

Now I'm the one who's pissed. “What? My dad doesn't give a shit about anything.” I see someone move in the house. It's Darren.

“Jolin, who's at the door?” he asks. I immediately feel this awkwardness spread throughout my body while Jolin is still staring daggers at me. Darren comes over and joins in the staring. “Michelle!”

“Umm, hi Darren,” I mumble. I wish I didn't come. What's the point?

Then he tells his sister, “I'm going out.” He takes my arm and pretty much drags me away, ignoring Jolin.

Once we are at the park, he lets go of me, and says, “Sorry that Jolin is such a bitch.”

I didn't really know what to say. “Sorry that Michelle is such a bitch too.” I think that at that point I will have to go home because it's too awkward to hold a conversation. I didn't want to leave Darren though, so we keep walking around the lake. It's only been a couple of days, yet everything is different now.

The lake is small, but after walking five laps in silence, I was tired. “Darren, do you want to go sit on the bench?” So we do. It's like that one night where we were sitting here and I was fantasizing about him. Now everything is different. I'm so tense and nervous. Like when you're stuck with someone you just met.

Nothing was happening. I decide I can't stand the silence anymore. I stand up to leave, but then he finally breaks the silence. It's always him who breaks the silence. It feels like I haven't heard his voice in a really long time.

“Why did you come find me?”

Good question. I have no clue. Because I thought that he would tell me everything's all right? “I just found out that my Body broke up with you. What's going on?”

“Our Bodies broke up. That happens a lot.” He wasn't looking at me. I wasn't really looking at him either.

“But I don't want to break up with you! Are you saying that you only loved me because I was the Reflection?” I want to cry. I've been wondering that question for so long, and today I finally asked it out loud.

I don't want an answer anymore. And I don't get one. Darren opens his mouth to speak, closes it, and leaves without a word. Leaving, like we have nothing to do with each other anymore. I guess that's enough of an answer.

I should be satisfied now. But all I feel are the tears coming, and this time, it's not Michelle’s. I feel like I will be depressed for a really long time. Maybe forever.

When I wasn't needed in the mirror, I stayed in my room and wrote poetry. I wrote about depressing and tragic love stories. Maybe to make myself feel better.

Last kiss

still on my lips.

Last glance

still in my mind.

Last breath

please no

come back.

Don't leave me alone.

Last love

in front of me

gone.

Still bleeding

black blood.

No life

still warm.

Only remembrance.

Our fingers

still together

interlocking.

Go to sleep now

rest well.

We'll meet again soon.

I stop at the last line. If something happens to Darren, will I be brave enough to go with him? Better question, will he want to see me in his afterlife? Probably not.