Break the Glass: Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

So many things have happened since the last time that I don't even know where to start. It feels like nothing happened. I can't remember anything, or maybe I just blocked it out. That could be true.

I decide to make a list of why I love Darren, to see if all this is worth it. After ten minutes, I look at my list. There was nothing. Well, actually, there were some reasons, but I crossed them all out. They were all obsolete now.

I remember when we first met. I had been walking around the park and then was deep in thought next to the lake. “I wish I can have a reflection,” I had said out lout.

“Sometimes I wish that too.” I hadn't realized there was someone next to me, but I look up and see this beautiful boy. All I could focus on was his dark eyes and white scars.

Then we went on having a conversation about what it meant to be a Reflection. Our first meeting had been so serious, and I felt that he was different and special.

He understood me, but evidently, not anymore.

I once read on the internet that all girls want a bad boy who's only good for them. All guys want a good girl who's only bad for them. I don't think I'm exactly good or bad, but maybe Jolin's right. Maybe I only liked him because I wanted to be rebel. Date a badass or something like that. But I feel that isn't it. His “badness” had caught my attention, but it wasn't the only thing.

Scars fade, feelings fade, I tell myself. It's not a big deal if you can't find reasons to love him anymore. He doesn't. Why should you?

But I keep obsessing over it, because that's just what I do.

Maybe I'm not as independent from my Body as I think. Maybe she still loved him a little after the break up. Now she's moving on, taking me with her.

Then I remember how sad Darren was, how he wouldn't look at me, and how I wanted to cry. Bitch has kept to her word to make our lives miserable.

The phone rings and all my thoughts disperse. No one ever calls me. What is this? I set the empty list down and run to my bed where my phone is. I see the caller ID. It's Ashley.

“Hello?”

“Michelle!” Her voice is urgent. “Something really bad just happened!”

“Um. . .what?” Can something else go wrong? I don't really want to know.

“Everyone on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else are all talking about Darren.”

“Let me go check.” I want to see for myself what all this is about, but Ashley doesn't let me.

“No! If you do, you might throw your laptop out the window!” Nice of her to make jokes and keep the mood light.

“So, tell me. I'm mentally prepared.” Am I?

“The Bitch is making up stories. She told everyone that Darren cheated on her with you. Then you made Darren break up with her and move here so that you can have him all to yourself. Now she's here to take Darren back, but because you don't want everyone to know your ugly secret, you've been trying to get people to hate her so they won't believe her. Thankfully that won't happen, because according to her, everyone, including your best friend Kathy, is on her side.” She says that all in one breath, and now pauses to take another one. I don't know what to think of all this. I remember Adel telling me how great of a person Bitch is.

Ashley isn't done. “So of course her creepy cult is freaking out. People are all hating on Darren, talking about how much of an asshole he is. And they think your an evil slut who destroys people's relationships. And of course the Bitch is the poor victim. Some extreme fans of her are even talking about sending death threats!”

“What?!” My voice rises several octaves. How can you be mentally prepared to hear all this? All the problems in the last few days have snowballed into this giant climax. It makes me think of the stories that had too many plot twists, and there was no way for things to end. At the same time, I'm amazed at how great of a storytelling and liar Bitch is.

“Don't worry Michelle. I hate her too. I'm totally on your side,” says Ashley, trying to comfort me.

“Thanks, but I think I need some alone time right now.” I'm scared and I feel sick.

“Oh, yeah. Well, then, bye. I guess.”

“I won't go jump off a cliff, it's ok. Bye.” I feel that Ashley needed to be assured that I can handle this, even if I can't.

In the back of my mind, I wonder if Michelle is going through this as well.

I don't really understand what just happened. How can people be sending death threats just because this chick said I stole her boyfriend? Overreaction much? How am I going to deal with all this? My alone time meant that I would lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling until it was time for Michelle to go to school again.

I stare back at Michelle with dread when that happened. I don't know how can she can still put on makeup and get ready like everything's alright. Maybe it is, because

Bitch's Body might not be so bitchy.

After all this, I feel like Bitch isn't a good name anymore. She isn't just full of teenage girl drama. She's more and evil and smart about how to be evil.

Then, somehow, I'm outside, waiting for the bus. I could have left, but I stay, letting myself freeze. When the bus comes, I walk in and sit down. I feel like a zombie.

I try to disappear and blend into the gray seat. It doesn't work, but at least the sun isn't out, so it's not as easy to see me. I stare into the darkness outside and try to calm myself.

I think up a plan before Darren's stop. As soon as I get to school, I will run and hide in the bathrooms. Who cares about going to the locker and dropping everything off? Then, after the bell rings, I can wander the halls. Hopefully I won't meet anyone.

I thought that thinking up that plan would distract me enough, but seeing Darren made me more nervous. All I can hear was my heart pounding. I concentrate on listening to the bus driver's radio. It might snow. Apparently there's a serial killer on the loose too. Pleasant.

Maybe he's a member of Darren's crazy family. Or someone sent by Bitch to kill us. I find that funny, and laugh before I realized what I did.

I somehow fall asleep and is jolted awake when we get to school. I hide behind my backpack in my seat and wait patiently for the line to pass me. Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself for the run for the bathroom, like I had planned. Jumping off the last step, I hear the driver tell me “Have a good day”! I may or may not have mumbled a “You too”, but I can't remember. I'll definitely have a good day.

Sadly there was a flaw in my amazing plan. I wanted to go into a stall, but was instead pulled to the mirror. Michelle decided that she needs to fix her makeup. I wanted to tell her that our makeup is fine. We look great. She looks beautiful. And people are looking at me like I murdered their puppy.

“Are you ready for an good day at school?” What is with people and good days? I see Bitch's Body stroll in and stop next to Michelle. I can feel the rest of the people in the bathroom hold their breath, anticipating what I will say. My Body smiles, and so I do too.

“Yeah definitely,” I say. “Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours, right?” That is a lame reference to what the school announcements preach to us everyday. Bitch laughs at that, which is nice of her. People let out their breath, sighing in disappointment that I didn't start a giant cat fight.

I focus back onto Michelle. I imitated how she angrily waves the mascara wand around her eyes. What if I stab my eye? Will the chemicals blind me? My Body probably won't care. I wonder what happened to piss her off that much. Then I realize that it doesn't really matter to me. My mind is dead, and school hasn't even started yet.

The bell rings and the bystanders start to disperse. When Bitch and I were the only people left, I glare at her Body. Michelle begins to put everything back into her makeup bag. In a book I once read, a girl kept a gun in her makeup bag. That sounds like a good place to hide it.

Bitch leans over, close to my shoulder. Her Body does the same. I can feel, and smell, her breath. It's gross.

“Have a good day.”

“You already told me that,” I start to say, but then I realize it was the bus driver who said that. It doesn't matter, because she already left. I look to Michelle, but she is getting ready to leave too.

After she does, and I'm finally alone, I suddenly didn't know what to do.

The halls are empty and my footsteps echo. Occasionally, I walk past a group smoking weed, or a couple making out. None of them pay any attention to me.

“Michelle!” My name rings through the hallway.

I turn around. “Ashley!”

“Michelle!” she cries again, as she runs to catch up with me. “Where were you this morning? I was so worried!”

Worried that I became too depressed and committed suicide? She shouldn't be.

“Oh. My Body went to a different bathroom.”

“She what? How can she betray me, and ditch me like that?” I can't tell if she was joking or not.

“Ash, I feel like I'm going crazy. Like totally losing it.” I start poking a dent in a locker nearby.

“Umm, what do you mean?” Now she really looks worried. I probably shouldn't have said that, but too late now.

“I don't know. I just feel like my brain can't function anymore.”

“Your brain's probably just tired of all this crap.”

“Yeah. I want to go home!” I cry. I really do, but I can never escape and hide under a rock, in total isolation.

Ashley doesn't say anything. I wouldn't know how to react either. “Oh, no,” I think to myself. “What if Ashley stops talking to me too?” I contemplate banging my head against the lockers. I really am going crazy.

“Sorry Ashley,” I say. Then I realize that Ashley isn't looking at me. I turn to look in the direction, and see him. Darren.

“Bye Michelle!” Ashley takes off without a word.

“Wait. No! Ashley! Come back!” But Ashley's gone. I face Darren. For a moment I think he would pretend like I didn't exist and walk past me.

Instead, he walks closer. My heart starts pounding and I feel cold sweat everywhere. All symptoms of me getting too nervous. I lean against the wall of lockers, needing support. “Hi Darren.” My voice is so weak. Does he blame everything on me?

“Hi Michelle.” He sounds nervous too. “Are you ok?”

“I'm still alive, so I guess so. Are you?” I can't believe he's actually talking to me.

He looks down, and plays with his shirt. “Yeah, I'm good.”

“Are you really?” I doubt he can be anywhere close to that. “You wear long sleeve shirts now,” I notice.

“Yeah, it's cold.”

I stare at him. “So, like, you never felt cold before?”

He stares at me too. Our conversation isn't going anywhere. This seemed to be the case for most of my conversations these days. I used to be talkative. Or at least, I wasn't this awkward.

“Ok. I have to go,” he mumble.

“No, stop leaving me every time!” I've seen him turn his back on me too many times. I reach for his arm as he was turning to leave, and expose some of his bare skin. Staring at me from his wrist were ugly scars. Some fresh, some older, but still fresh.

“Darren?” I ask, my voice smaller than before. He tears his arm away from my grasp and look away.

“Yeah, ok. Judge me. Tell me that I'm too weak and I should man up.” His voice is angry and his eyes cold and hard.

“What? Darren, no. I mean, what?” Nothing is being processed in my mind. What is going on?

“I cut myself, again, because all this is too much and I can't resist the urge. All those years of hard work, I've wasted my time, right? I can't take it anymore. You can still laugh and joke, so you're obviously stronger than me.” He pauses. The bell rings. People will be streaming from the doors any second. “Look at me. I'm not okay. Is your curiosity satisfied? Now you know everything, so there's no use talking anymore. I don't need to explain anything else. Leave me alone.” Then he leaves, again, disappearing into the sea of noising students.

I stay there, dazed. My world and my life before is totally coming undone. Everything's different.

Dear Diary,

I wish my life is a drama. Then I would be sure that this will be over soon, and I can live happily ever after with my true love. I am the main character, the lead of this drama. Of course I will be part of the happy ending, while Bitch, the second female lead, will learn her lesson and have to live with that.

Why can't my life be a drama? Why do I have to live in reality? Life is too much for me right now. I would much rather go and live in one of my fantasies, where I can control everything. Things are happening too fast, and too drastically. Seriously, what happened? What is going on? Maybe time should just stop, so that I can finally figure everything out. Take a deep breath. Be prepared. And then go on with life. But that won't happen. Will it?

So what has happened? Someone is spreading horrible rumors about me. Everyone thinks I'm a slut. Or something. There had been worse rumors around the school before. This shouldn't be such a big deal, but for some reason, it is. And Darren is cutting himself. I know he's cut before. Before he moved here. When he was still dating Bitch? So coincidental that he cuts when Bitch is near him.

I want to help him! But how do I do that when he won't even talk to me. Even if he does, I fail too much to be able to hold a conversation. Not to mention giving him a therapy session.

Someone needs to give me a therapy session. I'm so tired I don't even have the energy to swear anymore. I can still pour my feelings into a diary, but I don't think I know how to talk. To anyone. Anymore. Maybe I'm losing my ability to write. And think. And live.

I'm definitely losing it. Everything.

I need a nap. A really long one.

I flip to the page where I wrote that one poem. The one about dying. There is no way Darren would want to see me, even after death. He hates me now. I write a new poem.

The world is full of

mysteries.

No one knows everything

and shouldn't.

Some things are hidden

for a reason.

Covered by little white lies

because

knowing the truth

knowing too much

can bring problems

that nobody wants.

Some things

are better left unsaid.

I finish writing, and reread it. It's horrible. And I can't keep my eyes open. I decide that it really is a time to take a break. So I do. Who cares about Michelle.