In
my dream, there are no such things as Reflections and Bodies. Or
maybe I am the Body. Life is so much easier. I can go anywhere, say
and do anything I want, without having to make sure that my Body was
doing the same thing. It is so great. I am my own person. And a
better person. I have courage and confidence. I can say the things in
my mind.
I
was admiring myself in the mirror. Then I look around, and I'm in the
park. Darren's there too. I tell him, without saying anything, that I
miss him. And that I want him back. We hug tightly and we twirl.
There are flower petals and butterflies flying in the air. It is so
beautiful. I never want that moment to end.
Then
somehow, we're rolling in a grassy field. I end up under him. He
stares lovingly into my eyes. I reach up to him and we kiss for a
long time. We start taking off our clothes. I'm wearing a white dress
and a white cardigan. Darren is wearing a black shirt and black
jeans. We probably look like a yin yang, on top of each other and
wearing black and white. Perfect balance and harmony. My cardigan is
off and laying crumpled in the grass. I lifted up his shirt. And
stop.
His
entire body is a ruined mess. He stops moving, and his arms drop to
his sides, limp, but I can't take my eyes away. Slowly, I stroke his
scars, feeling every bump and very occasionally smooth skin. But
everything I touch starts bleeding and melting away. I realize that
too late.
He
opens his mouth in a silent scream, and disintegrates into nothing. I
stare at his empty clothes in my lap.
I
start folding the clothes, casually, as if nothing happened.
At
that point, I force myself to wake up. This nap did nothing, except
to make everything worse. I need a therapist. Really.
In
dramas, they never show the awkward parts. In once scene, it would
show someone getting embarrassed. The next scene would be the person
already over the humiliation. I have no clue what to do after I woke
up. That dream was so bizarre and disturbing. I also realize that
more and more, I compare my life to one in a drama. It's probably
part of me wanting to escape reality.
I
guess I can't do much except to go with the flow. Let my dream be a
secret that rots in my stomach. No one needs to know how messed up I
can be. Really.
So
I sit in my bed waiting for Michelle to need me. I don't have much of
a life outside of the mirror anymore. What if I can send telepathic
messages to her to get back together with Darren. Then we can be
together again, Bitch will be forgotten, and everything would be
great.
That's
a good idea, I think. We're connected and I can feel her emotions.
Does that mean she can also feel mine? In the scientific method, that
would be my observation and hypothesis. But how am I supposed to do
my experiment? I can try, but I won't be sure if it works. I won't be
able to tell.
I
don't get much time to think, because Michelle goes to lunch in the
dining room. I realize that it's the middle of the day, and a
weekend. My concept of time is completely messed up. I decide to face
the problem in front of me. My parents. They may or may not have
heard of the things on the internet. They aren't very tech savvy.
“Michelle
Aurray,” says my father, sounding stern.
“What?”
I say dismissively.
“You
have disgraced this family too much.” So they did hear of those
things.
“I
have no face left to talk with my friends,” chime my mother. The
only thing she ever cares about is her reputation and “face”.
“So,
we are moving,” my father finishes.
“What?”
I say again, this time with more emotion. My fork clangs against the
plate as I stare at them in disbelief. I'm moving? “You can't do
that!”
“Of
course we can. Like your mother said, we have no face to stay here in
this town. Everyone knows what you have done.”
“I
didn't do anything!” I cry.
“You
know most clearly what you have done. We never agreed to that
relationship, but let you go with it. Now look what happened.”
I
want to break down and I cry. I want to throw my plate at a wall. I
wanted to throw a tantrum. But that wouldn't change anything.
“What
. . .what about my Body? Our Body?”
“They
are moving too, of course.” My mother looks at me like she can't
believe how stupid I am.
“But
why? What's their reason?”
“Now,
how would we know?”
Then
my father stands up and straightens his tie. “I need to go back to
work. You two can start packing.”
Back
in my room, I think of everything I could've said. “All you two
care about is your damn reputation! What about mine? Shouldn't you
ask me how I'm feeling? Give me some moral support? Believe me? No.
Instead you go with what everyone else says, doesn't let me explain,
doesn't care enough to hear my story, and decides to uproot me
without even asking if I want to!”
There
is so much more, but I don't know how to put it into words, so I
punch a wall. It hurt my hand, and I collapse onto my bed, realizing
how stupid and hopeless I am. What am I going to do? Bitch will know
that she won. And I'll be leaving Darren alone here. And what about
Ashley? She's still my friend. I don't want to leave her!
I
feel like everything is so random right now. None of this makes any
sense. There's so many unnecessary plot twists. How is this going to
work out?
I
sit up and look around my room. I'm going to be leaving this place
soon.
The
door opens and I jump, startled. My mother walks in and shoves over
some boxes. “You're still sitting in bed? You need to start
packing!”
“What's
the hurry?” I flop down into my bed again. I don't want to see her.
“What's
the hurry? We're moving in two days. Everything left unpacked stays
here in this house.”
“What?
We're leaving in two days?” I sit up again. “Nice of you to tell
me now. How am I supposed to pack everything I own in 48 hours? And
what about my friends? Can't I have a farewell party or something?”
Anything to let me stay here longer. Even though things here suck,
that doesn't mean I want to leave.
My
mother sighs. “Yes, I admit this is a very short notice, but
nothing will change. We are out leaving in two days. We've already
sold this house.”
“Umm
. . .can you tell me why we're moving? Give me a real reason.
Please.”
“I
would love to tell you, Michelle, but there isn't a reason for us. It
is just that our Bodies are moving, so we have to too.” Her voice
is gentle and motherly, so different from how she always talks
before.
I
look at her. “I don't want to move!”
She
straightens up and sounds like herself again. “Fill up those boxes
now. Stop being lazy.” Then she leaves.
I
look around my room again and force myself to throw some things into
a box. It makes me feel like I was giving in.
Not
many people knew that I was moving. Ashley didn't know either. I tell
her at lunch the next day. “Hey, guess what?”
“What?”
she replies, as she takes some of my food.
“I'm
moving.”
“What?”
Her mouth drops open and I can see chewed up bits of fries. I look
away.
“Tomorrow.”
“Wait!
What? Why?”
“I
don't know. My parents just told me yesterday.”
“I
knew there was something wrong with my Body yesterday.” She stops
eating. “Oh my god Michelle!”
“Yeah.”
“You
know what you should do?”
“No?”
“Come
over to my house and hide. My parents will never have to know you're
there and you won't have to move and we can party everyday.”
“Yeah,
I wonder how that will work out.” I go back to eating, but Ashley
still doesn't.
“No.
Why does this have to happen?”
“I
don't know.”
“Wait.”
Pause. “What about Darren and the Bitch?”
“What
about them?”
“If
you leave, you won't be able to get Darren back and win against her.”
“Oh,
yeah. I've been thinking about that. She'll think I'm running away
because I can't face this all.”
No,
Michelle! I don't want you to leave.” She sighs. “I need to go
sob in a corner now.”
I
smile despite everything. “Kay, have fun with that.”
We
were in the weight room for gym again when suddenly the speakers
comes on and tells us we're on lock down because of a serial killer.
It's probably the one that was mentioned in the bus driver's radio.
My
gym teacher locks the doors, turns off the lights and tells us all to
crouch near a wall. After many people running into each other in the
total darkness, he gives up and lets us stay where we were. I really
hate it when it's this dark. I can't see anything! Why can't this
room have windows?
Then
I feel a person hugging me, or something close to doing so. “I know
you're scared of the dark,” he says.
I
know that voice. “No, I'm not.
“Yes,
you are. Don't lie.
“Fine.
Only this kind of dark.” I wasn't as nervous, since I couldn't see
his face. It feels safer. I enjoy being in Darren's arms again. “Why
are you being so nice again?”
Silence.
Maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he changed his mind.
“I
know you're moving tomorrow. I don't want you to leave with bad
memories of me.” I don't bother to care about his sudden change of
attitude towards me.
I
don't think you're supposed to make out during a lock down. Somehow
we find each others lips and don't crash into any equipment of
people. After a while, I whisper, “Be happy, Darren.”
“Hmm?”
“Be
as happy as you. Don't care about your Body. You only cut because he
was and you have to look like him, right?” At least, that's what I
want to believe.
“My
Body is part of the reason.”
“Well,
if you're happy, maybe your Body will feel it and be happy too.”
“The
other reason is because I had to break up with you, but I never
wanted to and now I wish I didn't.”
“Then
why did you?”
But
then the speakers crackle back to life, signaling the end of the lock
down. I immediately feel the absence of Darren around me. The lights
come on, and I see that he was sitting far from me. Maybe I had
imagined everything. But when the teacher was giving his speech about
safety, I catch him looking at me. Maybe it was real.
That
was the only interesting and good thing that happened. By the end of
the school day, Michelle had a multiple farewell cards. It was then
that I realize how unpopular I am compared to my Body. I don't get
it. Even though I try so hard to have my own identity, aren't we
still the same people? Or is that other world more different than I
imagine?
Back
home, I can't do much else other than pack up my remaining things.
There is this feeling of nostalgia, even though I haven't even left
yet.
Packing
and cleaning gives you the chance to rediscover things. I find a
bunch of photo albums from that time when people didn't store
everything in a computer. It's weird how it's not possible for me to
see my reflection without my Body nearby, but I can have separate
pictures. A glitch in the whole system? I also find a bag where I put
all the things Darren gave me. I set it gently into the box without
looking in it. I kind of want to forget everything, but at the same
time, that would be like erasing some of the best moments of my life!
I
notice my diary on my bed. Should I take it with me or leave it for
people to find? I decide to throw it into one of the boxes. My
secrets aren't meant to be shared.
I
wonder what will happen next in my life. I'll go on a plane, because
my parents have decided that it's necessary to move to a different
state. Maybe I'll build up a new social circle and be popular. Maybe
I'll be a hermit and live in a cave. Maybe people will forget me.
Black
and white pictures
evidence
of my existence
swaying
from the cobwebs.
All
interconnected.
To
the world
I'm
only one.
To
the people
a
nameless soul.
Time
is at a standstill
no
more memories
frozen
as pictures
hanging
from the ceiling
smiling
down at me.
I'm
only an extra.
A
smudge in the background
trying
to enter these lives
but
stopped at the glass
A
one way barrier
that
I can not break.
The
only test
impossible
for me to pass.
The
pictures fade
my
existence diminishes.
The
other world brightens
I
become the past.
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